Taking Back My Name- My Story

May joy and love help us find a healthy body, soul, and mind.

We need to stop hurting each other. 

I think that in order to heal we must hear the messages that are hard to hear.

“There can be no transformation in the world, unless there is transformation from within. It is our responsibility to bring about a radical transformation within ourselves.” – Krishnamurti

My voice of warning:

Please hear my voice:

A letter from the Addicted:

I believe that males are victims of pornography because it warps our minds. It creates a false reality that becomes normalized. It also arms us to then victimize others. 

I saw pornography for the first time in the 5th grade, so I was about 10 years old. It was a “normal” scene in a lot of young boys’ lives. I remember it vividly. It was a normal day in elementary school. We were standing in line to head to lunch. My friends all asked if we wanted to sleep over at Daniel’s house. He has some magazines that have pictures of naked ladies. I said: “Ew that is gross!”. My friends all shamed me and mocked me for my reaction. They all called me names. I am sure you can imagine it yourself. So, I didn’t want to be made fun of. I quickly changed my mind and agreed to go to the sleepover. I didn’t realize what those magazines would do to me. 

That night started an addiction for me. From that point on into my adulthood, I used pornography as a crutch. If I felt alone and isolated, I would turn to porn. If I felt insecure and unliked, I would turn to porn. If I got cut from a soccer team, I turned to porn. Porn was a refuge. It was a warm blanket to curl up into while enduring lives everyday challenges. I never realized that it was warping my mind into believing that men’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pleasures are to come before every woman. That if my appetites were not satisfied, I had the right to make them satisfied. 

In the background of my mind, I was being taught by pornography that my pleasure was the ultimate goal. It didn’t matter how I got there, that is where I would find relief and ecstasy. 

Throughout my teen and adult years, I would be taught that pornography was bad for me. I would try to “white knuckle it” and stop. I would go for periods of time and not look at pictures and images. I would set milestones in my life and say things like; “once I have a girlfriend I won’t need porn anymore”, “Once I go on a mission for my church, I will stop.” The thing I didn’t realize was that the damage had already been done in my developing mind. Pornography is so much more than just explicit images on a blue screen. Pornography is the sexualization of a human being. It is the objectification of women’s bodies for the sexual benefit of men in power. I was seeing women through this prism. I saw women and evaluated them by their beauty and their image. Their minds and personality were second to their looks. 

The biggest milestone of my life was marrying my amazing wife. I swore to myself that once I was married that the porn and sexual addiction would fade. I was wrong. 

I just got better at hiding the pornography which eventually turned into hookups with other women. In the first 8 years of my marriage, I was a really good liar. I lied to everyone. I lied to my wife, my friends, my family and worst of all, myself. I made up stories in my mind to justify my actions.  I.e. “I was unhappy. I deserved to feel loved and desired. I needed to feel important.”

 You can see the pornography really warped my mind and laid siege on my thoughts and my emotions. It created narratives to get what it wanted and needed. This disease needed to be flushed out of me. 

After 8 years of marriage, my wife and I were about to move into the first house that we were building. We had owned a condo together but we were setting roots and building a house to raise our family in. That is when all my lies were revealed. Women came forward on Facebook and told my wife about what I was doing secretly. She left me. 

I can’t tell you how big of a wake-up call it was when my wife pulled up with her mother to pick up all the kid’s things and her things to move out. The anguish in my soul was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. My Mother-in-Law gave me a big hug and told me that they loved me and that I can beat this. That pure expression of love was fuel for me. 

I attended counseling for about 2 years. Both by myself and with my wife. I was so damn lucky. I am still lucky that my wife chose to stay and fight with me. I still work hard to fight my warped mind. Reading and exercise have been my new refuge. I love to hike and be active outdoors. I have also just started music therapy. I highly recommend The Listening Program by Advanced Brain Technologies. They have 20 years of experience working with people who have gone through traumatic events in their life. I also have made a goal to read 24 books a year to make sure that I am learning and progressing. I have dedicated 6 am to 7 am every morning for my physical exercise. I have learned that if I am not progressing I am only digressing. I don’t want to go back into the darkness that was my addiction. 

I don’t want to lessen the pain and hell that sexual victims go through. We need to educate society of the wrong messages that pornography is spilling into all of our minds. I think that we are all victims. The men that have acted out some of the worst sexual crimes in the world are victims of pornography. They were not taught healthy constructive ways of coping with their thoughts, emotions, and challenges. They were not taught about healthy sexuality. That never excuses their behavior. But we need to help those men out there that could eventually commit these horrific crimes. 

Thank you from a Perpetrator

Shawn Blymiller

#addiction #sexaddiction #pornaddiction #recovery #health #life #love #addictionrecovery #somaticexperience #hope #advancedbraintechnologies

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