If you can relate to my letter. If you can see yourself in some of the story. The first thing that I want you to think about is this quote. “You are more than the worst thing that you have ever done.” (Bryan Stevenson) in his book – “Just Mercy”
I mentioned my Mother in Law in the letter. She hugged me and told me she loved me when she had every right to be angry and upset with me. That was a lesson on love.
When I called my best friend to tell him about what I had done, he said:
“You know this isn’t you right?”
I said: “What do you mean?”
Best-Friend: “This is not you, this is not who you are.”
My wife, The greatest blessing in my life, even in her trauma was able to separate me and the behavior of sexual addiction. I was not defined by this behavior.
I think sometimes as humans we try to define ourselves in simple digestible terms. For example, we identify by our name, our religion, our race, our ancestry, the schools we attend, the cities we grew up in, sports we like, music that we identify with, etc. We are more than 1 thing. We are more than the first 10 things that you can think of. Our uniqueness, our humanity is so complex that you can’t package yourself in a sentence or even in a volume of books. Our unique humanity is so complex that time is a construct that limits our ability to express our divine complexities. Your Twitter and Instagram “Bios” can’t even come close to defining you. Your soul is beyond measure. Your potential for producing good and marvelous work is so great. So it is time to realize your potential no matter what you have done.
I know from my experiences that the men that are committing sexual violations can be good people. They could be your best friend, they could be a family member, they could be your neighbor. They could be your boss and they could even be your religious leader. I am sure that you have already been shocked by a news report that has come out naming someone that you know closely that has committed a horrible act. Or you have heard of the heart break from a broken marriage, where someone that you know closely has betrayed someone that you love.
I remember growing up that you could easily know who the bad guy was in your cartoons and your movies. The character is so plainly depicted from the beginning of the story. As you get older you start to realize that sometimes you don’t know who the bad guy is until you have already been wronged. I would argue that sometimes you are the bad guy in the story and you don’t even know it until it is too late. You might arrive to a point in your life where you have caused so much pain that sometimes the wreckage can be overwhelming. How did you get to this point? How could you let this happen to yourself? How did you allow yourself to be the villain in someone’s story? How could you cause so much hurt?
There is hope you can change
I never expected to be here. I never expected to arrive to a point in my life where I had caused so much pain to the people that mattered most in my life. I never expected to be the villain in someone’s story. Yet here I am. Breathing, barely remembering to breathe as I witness the wreckage. The wreckage that I caused. Trying to map out the first steps to get myself to a better place. At first the task seems so daunting and so insurmountable that you have to just hope and hang on to other people’s hopes for you. Hopes for what you can become.
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