The first books that I read in my counseling were 3 books by Brené Brown. 1. The Gifts of Imperfection 2. Rising Strong 3. Daring Greatly.
Brené Brown gave one of the most powerful Ted Talks of all time titled: The Power of Vulnerability:
She calls herself a researcher. The most interesting part was that she set out to study and research connection. The more she studied connection the more she learned about what caused us to disconnect. The greatest thing leading to disconnection is Shame. Shame leads us to isolation. Shame separates us from the pack. Shame gives you the narratives to tell you that you are undeserving, that because you committed an evil act that you are evil.
I hope to one day meet Brene Brown and give her the biggest thank you known to man. She jump started my road to recovery. Through her teachings she reinforced the idea that I was not the acts that I had committed.
Brene really helped me to start to find myself. I had to peel back layer by layer to find pieces that were me and what were the addiction:
I recently read this quote and found this to be perfect saying:
“Finding yourself is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten-dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.”
You might feel like you are addicted and you have tried to stop acting out sexually or viewing pornography and you can’t stop. The great news is that brains have Neuroplasticity. We can reshape our brains. The brain is a muscle, it grows or it atrophies. You can even grow different connections in your brain, meaning you can grow new neuro pathways to affect your behavior. You don’t know it yet, but you are in control of the meanings that you assign to your experiences. You have a conscious choice of how you want to respond to every event that happens in your life.
I too have felt hopeless and defeated. I have spent many hours pouring my heart and soul out to my Maker to take these desires away from me.
God and the Universe Love you. They want you to be happy. Happiness and joy are your birthright.
You need to own your faults but more importantly you need to give yourself permission to be healed and to be ok. You need to give yourself permission to be human and to make mistakes. Let go of the thought that you are hopeless and you are disgusting so you are lost. That is a lie. If you are caught in the grasp of a pornography or sex addiction, don’t let that reality carry you down further into the darkness. There is hope.
“Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics.” – Albert Einstein
Brene Brown’s Favorite Quote:
Theodore Roosevelt Quote:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
The biggest lesson for me in her books was that we are all imperfect. The universal truth is that we all struggle with something. If we continue to hide the thing that we struggle with we will continue to feel isolated and alone. The path to healing is speaking your truth and being vulnerable.
The crazy thing was that as I became more vulnerable and truthful with the people around me, the more whole and full I felt. Even more ludicrous was that as I became more vulnerable I was lead to more tools to help myself to recover.
One example of that is when I told a lifelong friend about my struggles, she guided me to a counseling team that specialize in sexual addictions. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Yet, here was the Universe giving me guidance to learn more about myself and what I was going through.
Thoughts are powerful, thoughts are a construct and a framing for the future.
“Our lives begin to end the day we remain silent about things that matter.” Martin Luther King Junior
The biggest decider of my state for me was and continues to be what thoughts that I allow to come into my mind. Our mind is continually running and we have an internal dialogue. I went to a Tony Robbins event once and he talked through this scenario:
“ How many of you think that you are the thoughts that you are having? Your thoughts are not you.”
When you know that you can start to be the gatekeeper of your own mind. Thoughts will enter your head space and you have the right and the responsibility to rid yourself of thoughts that are unhealthy and damaging.
The untangling of thoughts that have come from indoctrination can be the hardest things to remove from our consciousness.
“It’s the biases we don’t know we hold that are the most dangerous.” – Alex Banayan – The Third Door
It was in the book The Third Door that I had this epiphany. Alex was interviewing some of the most successful people in our lifetime. He was a male seeking to speak to male counterparts. To quote directly from his book :
“My mind began flashing over all of the interviews I’d done so far– Tim Ferriss, Qi Lu, Sugar Ray Leonard, Dean Kamen, Larry King, Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak, Pitbull– and, as if I was looking at my reflection for the first time, it was shockingly, and embarrassingly, clear: male, male, male, male, male, male, male, and male.
How could I have never noticed this before?
When I’d come up with my list, it was me with my male friends dreaming up whom we wanted to learn from. When I brainstormed questions before an interview, it was me and my male friends thinking about what we wanted to learn. Not once had it crossed my mind to wonder whom my sisters or female friends wanted to learn from…”
I began to ask myself: What voices have I been silencing that I need to hear? That is what I will cover on next week’s post.
“When you believe something it becomes really hard to see something that we don’t believe”– Amber Scorah
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