Taking Back My Name- My Story

May joy and love help us find a healthy body, soul, and mind.

We need to stop hurting each other. 

I think that in order to heal we must hear the messages that are hard to hear.

“There can be no transformation in the world, unless there is transformation from within. It is our responsibility to bring about a radical transformation within ourselves.” – Krishnamurti

My voice of warning:

Please hear my voice:

A letter from the Addicted:

I believe that males are victims of pornography because it warps our minds. It creates a false reality that becomes normalized. It also arms us to then victimize others. 

I saw pornography for the first time in the 5th grade, so I was about 10 years old. It was a “normal” scene in a lot of young boys’ lives. I remember it vividly. It was a normal day in elementary school. We were standing in line to head to lunch. My friends all asked if we wanted to sleep over at Daniel’s house. He has some magazines that have pictures of naked ladies. I said: “Ew that is gross!”. My friends all shamed me and mocked me for my reaction. They all called me names. I am sure you can imagine it yourself. So, I didn’t want to be made fun of. I quickly changed my mind and agreed to go to the sleepover. I didn’t realize what those magazines would do to me. 

That night started an addiction for me. From that point on into my adulthood, I used pornography as a crutch. If I felt alone and isolated, I would turn to porn. If I felt insecure and unliked, I would turn to porn. If I got cut from a soccer team, I turned to porn. Porn was a refuge. It was a warm blanket to curl up into while enduring lives everyday challenges. I never realized that it was warping my mind into believing that men’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pleasures are to come before every woman. That if my appetites were not satisfied, I had the right to make them satisfied. 

In the background of my mind, I was being taught by pornography that my pleasure was the ultimate goal. It didn’t matter how I got there, that is where I would find relief and ecstasy. 

Throughout my teen and adult years, I would be taught that pornography was bad for me. I would try to “white knuckle it” and stop. I would go for periods of time and not look at pictures and images. I would set milestones in my life and say things like; “once I have a girlfriend I won’t need porn anymore”, “Once I go on a mission for my church, I will stop.” The thing I didn’t realize was that the damage had already been done in my developing mind. Pornography is so much more than just explicit images on a blue screen. Pornography is the sexualization of a human being. It is the objectification of women’s bodies for the sexual benefit of men in power. I was seeing women through this prism. I saw women and evaluated them by their beauty and their image. Their minds and personality were second to their looks. 

The biggest milestone of my life was marrying my amazing wife. I swore to myself that once I was married that the porn and sexual addiction would fade. I was wrong. 

I just got better at hiding the pornography which eventually turned into hookups with other women. In the first 8 years of my marriage, I was a really good liar. I lied to everyone. I lied to my wife, my friends, my family and worst of all, myself. I made up stories in my mind to justify my actions.  I.e. “I was unhappy. I deserved to feel loved and desired. I needed to feel important.”

 You can see the pornography really warped my mind and laid siege on my thoughts and my emotions. It created narratives to get what it wanted and needed. This disease needed to be flushed out of me. 

After 8 years of marriage, my wife and I were about to move into the first house that we were building. We had owned a condo together but we were setting roots and building a house to raise our family in. That is when all my lies were revealed. Women came forward on Facebook and told my wife about what I was doing secretly. She left me. 

I can’t tell you how big of a wake-up call it was when my wife pulled up with her mother to pick up all the kid’s things and her things to move out. The anguish in my soul was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. My Mother-in-Law gave me a big hug and told me that they loved me and that I can beat this. That pure expression of love was fuel for me. 

I attended counseling for about 2 years. Both by myself and with my wife. I was so damn lucky. I am still lucky that my wife chose to stay and fight with me. I still work hard to fight my warped mind. Reading and exercise have been my new refuge. I love to hike and be active outdoors. I have also just started music therapy. I highly recommend The Listening Program by Advanced Brain Technologies. They have 20 years of experience working with people who have gone through traumatic events in their life. I also have made a goal to read 24 books a year to make sure that I am learning and progressing. I have dedicated 6 am to 7 am every morning for my physical exercise. I have learned that if I am not progressing I am only digressing. I don’t want to go back into the darkness that was my addiction. 

I don’t want to lessen the pain and hell that sexual victims go through. We need to educate society of the wrong messages that pornography is spilling into all of our minds. I think that we are all victims. The men that have acted out some of the worst sexual crimes in the world are victims of pornography. They were not taught healthy constructive ways of coping with their thoughts, emotions, and challenges. They were not taught about healthy sexuality. That never excuses their behavior. But we need to help those men out there that could eventually commit these horrific crimes. 

Thank you from a Perpetrator

Shawn Blymiller

#addiction #sexaddiction #pornaddiction #recovery #health #life #love #addictionrecovery #somaticexperience #hope #advancedbraintechnologies

Life lessons

Growth is not easy

  • “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” … 

Brené Brown

I think the scariest thing for me is revealing my truest self to others because that is how I would sustain the greatest hurt. However, I have also learned that that is how you create the deepest connections.

Bravery is not the absence of fear, it is the complete knowledge of all the risk involved and still exposing yourself to reach the highest reward.

“If you were going to die tomorrow, would you still do what you are doing today?” – Steve Jobs

My intent is to help heal our minds

Because I have suffered trauma through my addiction and because I have found healthy ways of living, I want to help others to recover.

I have read over 50 books in the last 2 years and I have listened to countless podcasts with every intention to heal, grow and learn.

Why do this?

  • Because not enough men share their stories.
  • Because I need to commit to being a better person publicly.
  • Because my wife deserves a better husband.
  • Because my kids deserve a better father.
  • Because I can be a better person for my future self.
  • Because men like Martin Luther King Jr. showed us all what it means to stand up and lead social change.

2020 is going to be a new milestone for me. I have spent the last 3 years in recovery, working on myself, so I can better serve the people around me. I will continue on my self-healing path, but it is time to take on a new adventure and a new task. I will start forging ways to help heal the infected mind.

I have been terrified to post any of my story publicly because it is raw and deep. It does also include mature material. So please, handle this blog with care. I will be writing about pornography and sexual addiction recovery.

I hope to help to create a community. A community of open mature discussion about healthy sexuality. Sex is not easy to talk about. However, it is easy to find sexual content. Modern day media has made it quick, simple and easy to find sexual mature material in a matter of seconds. If kids want to learn about different sexual acts, or different parts of the human sexual anatomy, they can find it and they can learn about it. We need to make sure to curate the material being consumed by the masses. Healthy relationships are required and essential to our human experience. Healthy relationships only happen when we step out of ourselves and care for the other. We can’t step out of ourselves until we understand ourselves.

In a sermon by Martin Luther King Jr. in Selma, Alabama, on 8 March 1965, the day after “Bloody Sunday,” on which civil rights protesters were attacked and beaten by police on the Edmund Pettus Bridge:

“Deep down in our non-violent creed is the conviction there are some things so dear, some things so precious, some things so eternally true, that they’re worth dying for. And if a man happens to be 36 years old, as I happen to be, some great truth stands before the door of his life — some great opportunity to stand up for that which is right. A man might be afraid his home will get bombed, or he’s afraid that he will lose his job, or he’s afraid that he will get shot, or beat down by state troopers, and he may go on and live until he’s 80. He’s just as dead at 36 as he would be at 80. The cessation of breathing in his life is merely the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit. He died …

A man dies when he refuses to stand up for that which is right. A man dies when he refuses to stand up for justice. A man dies when he refuses to take a stand for that which is true...

…So we’re going to stand up amid horses. We’re going to stand up right here in Alabama, amid the billy-clubs. We’re going to stand up right here in Alabama amid police dogs, if they have them. We’re going to stand up amid tear gas! We’re going to stand up amid anything they can muster up, letting the world know that we are determined to be free!”

https://www.history.com/topics/black-history/selma-montgomery-march

I am also 36 years old. I refuse to stay silent any more about things that matter. Just because something is difficult to talk about, doesn’t mean that we should ignore it or hope that it goes away. Difficult conversations must happen, and they must continue to happen. Our evolvement as a human race must continue to push forward. I will not allow pornography to be the education vehicle for sexual relationships. I am sex positive. I will not package these discussions with religion. I will find language to communicate effectively.

#healthyliving #menshealth #pornaddiction #consciousliving

Defining your Higher Power

I will not ask you to join my religion. I no longer participate in Dogma or any Church of any kind. However, I believe in a Higher Power. I believe in a Universe that wants us all to take our birthright, which is happiness.

I grew up religious. The matter of the fact is that I served a religious mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Most people around the world recognize this religion as “Mormons.” I served my mission in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. I went to teach people about God, but I ended up learning for my myself more than I ever taught to someone else. I participated in this religion for 33 years. My life was built around my faith in it’s teachings. I am no longer part of this religion because I was excommunicated. But the excommunication has become liberating for me. I have been able to search elsewhere for truth.

Being raised in a specific religion can be confusing when that religion starts to seem imperfect. I was told all my life that the “Church is perfect, but the people are imperfect.” I don’t accept that justification anymore. Religion and dogma are divisive for me. Religion is what has caused all the most horrific wars and pain on earth. Religion divides by placing people in a judgement mindset. The hard truth is that no religion knows all. I have grown to mistrust those that claim to know everything. I now believe that one of the biggest parts of our human existence is seeking truth in all that we do.

The one thing that I do believe that all people need to figure out is if there is a Higher Power. Call it God, Allah, the Universe, etc. I don’t care. That Higher Power has been working in my life over the last few years and I can’t deny the signs. I want to encourage people to find meaning and purpose and to seek their Higher Power. I have found my Higher Power in podcasts, in books, and in my interactions with other people. The Universe has something to teach us all if we are willing to listen. Having the courage to seek can seem hopeless. Most of us have been let down so many times. Our hurt prevents us from seeking because we don’t believe that we will receive an answer.

Answers for me have come in my mind, just as though they were on the same factory mill as all of my other thoughts. The difference was whether or not I was paying attention. I can identify them and peal them away from the others. The sure signs of them being spiritual thoughts was if my body would get tingles. Usually my legs or my arms would get tingles, or would feel like my legs or arms were falling asleep, but it would be a pleasant ache, not a painful one. I am trying to turn into these thoughts more now. That is what has lead me here to this blog. I am trying to listen and adhere to the messages that I am receiving.

Usually I would recognize these thoughts after I had just invested time in listening to an uplifting podcast, or after reading an uplifting book, or even from watching a beautiful movie. Now I said uplifting, I did not say religious. For example, one of my favorite podcasts is “How I Built This with Guy Raz”. He interviews business owners. They tell their stories of how they started their businesses. One of my favorite stories is that of a Utah business. I grew up in Utah so learning about successful people and businesses that have gotten their start in Utah is fun and exciting for me. David Neeleman is a creative business man. He first started packaging trips to Hawaii for Utah residents. He would book resorts in Hawaii and then he would repackage them and sell them to a target market in Utah. He would place ads in the Utah newspapers. Well this business became so successful that he had to find a way to help people to get from Utah to Hawaii. So he started leasing a plane to fly from Utah to Hawaii. He started flying once a week to Hawaii. Well the plane he was leasing was an older plane and nobody else was using it, so he created packages for families to travel to California. Now the plane would fly to Hawaii one day of the week, and the plane would make trips to California a few of the other days in the week. This business became so successful that he started his own airline. You might have heard about it. Jetblue. Listen to the podcast here: https://podtail.com/en/podcast/how-i-built-this/jetblue-airways-david-neeleman/

Gabby Bernstein has become a huge mentor to me. Now I have never met her. I say mentor because I study her work. She creates content weekly. You can find her at http://www.gabbybernstein.com. Two of her books have been releasing for me. “The Universe Has Your Back” was her first book that I read. I was on a plane ride to Atlanta for work. I had chills the entire time I was reading the book. Gabby destigmatizes spirituality. She teaches people how to meditate, and how to seek spiritual guides. I find it strange that so many people love Star Wars but not more people are grabbing on to forms of meditation. Gabby has all sorts of free resources on Youtube to teach you how to meditate. I encourage you to explore her work. Here is one of her Youtube episodes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yiCMxp8Kw4

My first realization that I could define my own Higher Power, one of my own understanding, was in my 12 Step recovery program. I attended Sexaholics Anonymous for over a year. The 2nd and 3rd steps are a quick and direct introduction to find your Higher Power. Step 2 is : Believe that a higher power can restore you to a state of psychological normalcy and wellness. and Step 3: Turn over your will and life to a higher power as you understand it.
(The higher power does not need to represent anything more than an individual’s personal conception of God, regardless of their religion.) – https://www.recovery.org/support-groups/sexaholics-anonymous/

Gabby further educated me that God and the Universe could be defined according to my own understanding. Growing up I was taught that God was clearly defined through scripture and by people in authority. Well that authority failed me many times over, so I was forced to start to build my own framing and understanding of God. I tend not to use the word God, because I don’t want people to refer to the God that was taught to them through cultural conditioning. I tend to use the term “The Universe” more frequently because it doesn’t have as many negative connotations. My God is not greater than your God. We are just here to learn from one another. More importantly, The Universe is there to teach if you are willing to listen.